Why Parents Give Great Advice to Others but Struggle to Follow It Themselves
- Christian L
- Apr 25
- 4 min read
Published by Christian L | Conscious Capital
Ever noticed this?
When another parent is stressed, you know exactly what to say:
“Don’t be too hard on yourself.”
“Your child is still learning.”
“One bad day doesn’t make you a bad parent.”
But when you are the one dealing with tantrums, school stress, screen-time battles, or teen attitude?
It feels very different.
You overthink. You blame yourself. You react emotionally. You struggle to see the situation clearly.
This is not just parenting stress. It is something psychologists call Solomon’s Paradox.
And once you understand it, it can help you make better parenting decisions right away.
What is Solomon’s Paradox?
Solomon’s Paradox is the idea that people often give better advice to others than they give to themselves.
The name comes from King Solomon, who was known for wisdom, but struggled to apply that wisdom to his own life.
Psychologists studied this in a 2014 research project at the University of Waterloo. They found that people think more wisely when looking at someone else’s problem than when thinking about their own.
When the problem is personal, people are more likely to:
panic
become defensive
miss the bigger picture
ignore other possible solutions
That sounds familiar for many parents.
Parenting is emotional.
When your child is upset, struggling, or acting out, it does not feel like a small issue. It feels personal. It feels urgent. And because you care so much, it becomes harder to think calmly.
This can affect the way parents respond in everyday situations.
For example:
A child gets a bad grade
To another parent, you might say: “It's only one grade. Help them learn from it.”
To yourself, you might think: “I should have done more. Am I failing my child?”
Your toddler has a meltdown in public
To another parent, you might say: “Tantrums are normal. It happens to everyone.”
To yourself, you might think: “Everyone is judging me. I can’t handle this.”
Your teen becomes distant
To another parent, you might say: “Stay calm and keep the door open.”
To yourself, you might think: “What if I’m losing my child?”
This is exactly how Solomon’s Paradox shows up in parenting.
This matters because when parents lose perspective, they often make decisions from fear, not wisdom.
That can lead to:
overreacting
feeling guilty all the time
being too hard on yourself
becoming more controlling or impatient
misunderstanding what your child really needs
Over time, this can increase stress at home and make parenting feel heavier than it already is.
The good news is this:
You may already have the wisdom you need. You just access it more easily when the problem belongs to someone else.
What can parents learn from this?
The biggest lesson is simple:
You do not always need more parenting advice. Sometimes, you just need a better way to hear your own wisdom.
That means stepping back and looking at your situation with a little more distance.
Instead of asking:
“Why am I handling this so badly?”
Ask:
“If my friend came to me with this same problem, what would I tell them?”
That one question can change your whole mindset.
Here are simple ways parents can apply this right away.
1. Ask the “friend” question
The next time you feel overwhelmed, ask:
“What would I say if my best friend was going through this?”
Your answer will often be calmer, kinder, and smarter than your first emotional reaction.
2. Pause before reacting
You do not have to solve every parenting problem immediately.
Take a breath. Wait a moment. Respond after your emotions settle.
A short pause can prevent a long regret.
3. Stop treating every problem like a disaster
A bad moment is not a bad life. A hard day is not bad parenting. One mistake does not define your child or your family.
This helps you make clearer decisions.
4. Talk to yourself more kindly
Parents often say harsh things to themselves that they would never say to anyone else.
Try replacing:
“I’m failing.” with
“This is hard, but I can handle it.”
That small shift helps you think better.
5. Focus on the next step, not the whole future
When parents panic, they often jump far ahead: “What if this gets worse?” “What if I mess this up forever?”
Instead, ask: “What is the best next step right now?”
That keeps you grounded and practical.
Even though this article is for parents, the idea applies to almost everyone.
Most people are more logical when helping others and more emotional when helping themselves.
But for parents, this matters even more because your thoughts affect:
how you speak to your child
how you handle discipline
how you manage stress
how peaceful your home feels
When parents think more clearly, families often feel calmer too.
Key takeaways
Parents often give better advice to others than to themselves.
This is a real psychological pattern called Solomon’s Paradox.
When a problem feels personal, it is harder to think clearly.
This can lead to guilt, overreaction, and poor decisions.
A simple way to think better is to ask: “What would I tell a friend in this situation?”
The goal is not perfect parenting.
The goal is to respond with more calm, perspective, and self-kindness.
If parenting feels harder when it is your own child, your own home, and your own emotions on the line, that does not mean you are weak or doing it wrong.
It means you are human.
Solomon’s Paradox reminds us that parents often already know more than they think.
The challenge is not finding wisdom. The challenge is learning how to use that wisdom on yourself.
So the next time you feel stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure, pause and ask:
“What would I tell someone I love if they were in my shoes?”
Then try to believe your own advice.
Because sometimes, the calm, wise parent you are looking for is already there.
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